Greetings to all of you. May you have a nice day ahead of you. What a day, a Halloween night and my birthday to be combined of? Such a great way to celebrate it. But first of all - I would like to wish a Happy Birthday to myself. My thoughts on turning nineteen? Well, lets say, turning nineteen felt like a big deal, and it was it is rather an unpredictable phase of life for me. Getting the real taste that I will becoming an adult and much older in the future, all that brings it with huge responsibilities. But this is where I am. I have been alive for 19 years as of today, and I wanted to share what it is like to be here - the good stuff, because the goodness knows I could share a week-long series of posts about the less good stuff.

The fact is - I have a love-hate feeling with being older, I miss being a kid and running around the playground without worrying about any life problems and responsibilities-free. But here is the thing - I love this feeling of wholeness that is deepening with every year. I feel rooted in who I am, and while I still get tossed around on hormonal tidal waves, at my core I know myself. I know what I am capable of. I know my worth and my strength.

I deeply appreciate knowing I can survive things. And it is not just because I experienced such a life changing bereavement in the way I did. I simply have more years ahead of me, I have proof that time does carry on. That heartbreaks will be survived. That bad memories will fade. That forgiveness can be found.

So what is it feels like to be nineteen?

I love the empowerment I feel in this season of my life. I could care less about what other people think of me and will walk down the street like I own it.  I am my own biggest cheerleader because after 19 years it finally hits you that no one else is going to do it for you. By looking out for me I show myself some love and kindness.

I want to spend my 19th birthday thinking about the next couple of years, as well to the years that have passed. I imagine that I will sit by a window at a time when the rest of the world is asleep, a time that I would be drowning into the ocean of thoughts and I will lower myself onto the cold wicker chair. Lets move on to the future.

I will think of the choices I have made. You know what, there is a high possibility that I would not spend my 19th birthday alone. Meantime of that, why I need designated time to sort out my thoughts and understand some things.

I find it funny that I have graduated from high school. I still remember my first day at school like it was just that day. It is hard to believe that I do not have to attend school anymore. I am glad, to be frank.

I will acknowledge to myself that it is slightly silly to be spending this much time thinking about the chapters of my life that have yet to be written, or that may not be written at all, but it is nice to let your thoughts run free. I will think of all the beautiful things and feel warm inside. There is nothing wrong with trying to figure out my future if it makes me feel like this. Birds will chirp in the distant and the hours will slip away. The night will be typical of any summer night that you would feel, clear skies, cool air, the smell of grass. That as being said, cherish yourself more and you will know your worth.